Intimacy thrives in a non-defensive climate.

Being defensive, which emanates from fear, is one of the biggest enemies of clear communications and intimacy.    Creating a non-defensive climate in a relationship — and in a family — is one of the healthiest things you can do as a couple.

Here are some of the characteristics of a defensive environment and how you might be supportive instead:

1. Evaluation.  We are taught to evaluate things and people all through our formal and informal education.  We are continually evaluated, compared to others and graded.  So it’s difficult to get out of an evaluative way of thinking, but as a way of being in an intimate relationship, it works against you.  It sets up defensiveness. Try instead to describe what you see, hear, feel and experience.  Do not assign good or bad or label.  Talk about yourself too, in a descriptive way, instead of evaluating.

2. Control. Attempts to control or manipulate someone else lead to alienation and resentment.  We can be very subtle in our attempts to control those close to us so you have to pay close attention if you’re genuinely interested in change.  Instead, adopt an orientation towards others that invites them into a problem or an issue and give them a part of the solution.  Be open about your goals and intentions.  Give your partner, or child, the opportunity to participate, to make choices and experience consequences.   Let your loved one be powerful.

3. Strategies. Having a plan that others are expected to follow is related to control.  You speak and act as if you know what has happened and what is about to happen.  Your life and those whom you influence is carefully planned.  This induces defensiveness in others.  On the other hand, spontaneity is most often empowering and supportive.  When you say openly and easily what’s on your mind and in your heart, others will feel like doing the same.

4. Neutrality.  In the long run, remaining neutral is not supportive.  Flat speech with no affect or indication of caring will eventually shut others up.  People want to feel as if they matter, want to know you value them and they have impact on you. When you can listen well and show the other that you empathize it will draw another out.  Showing empathy and compassion, when it is genuine, will reduce defensiveness and build intimacy.

5. Superiority.  Thinking you are better than others an acting that way causes feelings of inadequacy, fear and resentment.  When partners or group members sense someone acting superior they will withdraw and shut off feedback.  Even though you may have more information or be more skilled than someone else, flaunting that will surely cost you in cooperation, creativity and intimacy.  Instead, show others that you value them, trust them and respect their contribution.  Inclusion and genuinely regarding others as equals invites them in, gives them a piece of the action and sparks their creativity.

6. Certainty.   Intellectual certainty and righteousness are not only unattractive qualities; they can set up a defensive posture in others.  Intimates start to close down and withhold their feelings and opinions.  On the other hand, one who is willing to explore ideas and attitudes and regards them as something to share and play with, will give others the sense they can join in with their own ideas, information and help.

Anything that moves you toward being defended or closed down — or has that effect on your partner — leads you away from love.  Love thrives on openness and being known.