We want to be loved and we want to be free; we resist both.

This statement is at the heart of so many relationship issues.  We are ambivalent about two of the things we want the most: to be close to someone and to be independent.

First, it is difficult to believe that we can have both.  We think love means bonded, which means glued to, which does not mean free.  Free means out there, away from, on your own and does not mean bonded.  So, from the get-go, many of us are forced to choose, in our own minds, between love and freedom.  We don’t believe we can have a feeling of independence and personal freedom while we are in a close, loving relationship.   (What’s the energy behind a bachelor party?)

Further, and perhaps harder to root out, we want to accept positive, loving energy from another, but we resist it.  To the degree that you have had pain and failure in your life and to the degree that you believe you are not truly worthy of the full positive jolt of real, unconditional love from another beautiful human being, you will slip out of the way of love, deflect it or downright not believe it.

Same with freedom.  We all say we want to be free, but when we have the opportunity to be completely unfettered, on our own and self sufficient, something comes up.  Something happens that pulls us back into a comfortable relationship or a comfortable place. It’s scary.  Both love and freedom are scary.   You’ll see, in your own life and that of friends, that some are better at one thing, others at the other.

This is our task:  to learn how to be close to someone else and accept his or her love and to learn how to be independent and happy with ourselves.  Our own resistance is at the center of this issue.

In healthy, well-balanced relationships, partners are satisfied with a dose of both freedom and intimacy and there is a natural ebb and flow of separateness and closeness that does not threaten either person.