Relationships are often bridled by false necessities.
Some things we want. Some things we need. Some things we believe we need. Some things we call needs in order to decrease our sense of anxiety about freedom.
Necessities are not all the same. A need can be defined as condition fulfilled by a behavior, event or substance and is required by something outside of our control. There are objective or mandatory needs, rules or laws that none of us can avoid.  We need water. We need food and movement and air. We have no choice about those things; they are controlled by something outside our personal choice.
There are also subjective needs, or needs that depend on our individual personality and beliefs. These needs we have learned.  A woman needs a husband. A man needs a wife. A woman needs to quit her job. A man needs a new car.  We use the word everyday to express something that sounds like it is a force from outside of us: “I just needed to do it, I couldn’t help it.â€Â Parents use the word constantly with their children: “I need you to clean your room.â€
It is in this gray area of subjectivity that false necessities restrict our own freedom and vitality in the relationship. Sometimes we state a subjective need, or want, as if it was imposed from the outside:
“I couldn’t raise that issue, our relationship needs some peace and quiet now.†(And so on, year after year)
“I’d like to go away for awhile but he needs me here.â€
“I desperately want to change jobs, but we need the income.â€
In many cases we impose the need by our own thinking — in order to set limits, create and enforce rules and decrease the sense of risk or threat. The more needs we have, the more our freedom is restricted, the more we are fenced in by artificial necessity. When we feel weak or vulnerable we will expand these artificial needs in order to protect ourselves. This may be an effective short-term strategy, but as a consistent policy it gradually and progressively denies our freedom of choice. Deny freedom long enough and it disappears.